After an overly-long holiday hiatus, it’s time once again to settle in for a soirée of sketchy goodness.  January in New England means grey skies and a general feeling of discontent – perfect zombie weather.  This week, my sketch-loving cohorts, I bring you Andrew Currie’s 2006 tale of a boy and his pet (zombie, that is), Fido.

K’Sun Ray stars in this nostalgic yarn as Timmy, the son of a death-obsessed father and a status-crazy mother, who is but a young boy trying to grow and survive in a post-war society. A society whose deceased have been turned into flesh-eating zombies thanks to a strange radiation from space.  This radiation still exists in many areas and poses a constant threat to society, as all those who die after the original contamination turn into the undead. In order to survive in a normal fashion, the towns have been fenced in with the help of a governing corporation.

Zomcom is an all-empowering corporation which has developed the technology to not only keep the zombie population at bay, but even to domesticate the animated corpses – by using a collar which eliminates their natural instinct to consume human flesh.   Zomcom is also the law, rounding up those who perform illegal funerals (“Head coffin, please”) and are in possession of unregistered zombies.

A jump-rope makes a great makeshift leash for your zombie.

When the new head of security for Zomcom moves in next door, complete with family and six domesticated zombies, Timmy’s mother decides it’s time for their family to get a zombie as well – despite father Bill’s utter hatred for the undead.  Timmy forms a bond with his zombie, whom he’s lovingly named Fido, after much hesitation.  After all, he was raised to despise zombies as well – but Fido easily wins him over after a run-in with the local bullies.

Timmy’s picture-perfect life soon turns sour, as a device malfunction causes Fido to temporarily revert to his flesh-eating ways.  This doesn’t deter Timmy – oh, no – his bond with his undead friend is far too strong to let murder come in the way.  Covering his friend’s tracks, they try to move on with their…lives?

Fido is set in a strange, 1950′s-era alternate universe, giving it a strange, Shaun of the Dead meets Pleasantville feeling. Hilary ensues as Timmy’s mother, clearly not receiving the tender loving attention she craves from her emotionless husband, seems to form a romantic bond with Fido.  Who doesn’t want a little affection now and again, even if it’s from a corpse?

Proper funerals attract the crowds.

This sketchy bit of brilliance has been on my radar for some time now, and only now am I kicking myself for not partaking sooner.  I laughed, I cried (well, mainly from laughing), and I truly enjoyed this heartwarming story of love and zombies.  Oh, and did I mention that Fido is played by none other than Billy Connolly? Yeah. That’s right.

And now, kiddies, I leave you with this week’s Sunday Morning Sketch Cinema Quote of the Week:

Bill Robinson: “My father tried to eat me. I don’t remember trying to eat Timmy.”

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It’s Christmas time again, and what better way to celebrate than with David Steiman’s spirited tale of the real story of good ol’ Santa Claus?  This week, good little boys and girls, in honor of the overflow of holiday spirit which is running amok within me, I bring you a special, mid-week Holiday version of Sunday Morning Sketch Cinema, featuring the 2005 instant holiday classic, Santa’s Slay.

A charming spin on the classic tale of old Saint Nick, David Steiman’s holiday horror fest spins a yarn of how Santa Claus came to be.  Far from the cheery, rosy-cheeked, happy old man we’ve all been raised to know, this film instead tells us of a thousand-year old bet between one of God’s angels and Satan’s son (played impeccably by Bill Goldberg), Santa.  Having lost the bet, Santa has spent the last 1,000 years being kind and generous to children everywhere, bringing yuletide gifts year after year.

Oh, did I mention Satan’s loss was endured during a curling match? Yep. Curling. Enjoy the ‘Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer’-esque clay-mation telling of such match.

Unfortunately for the township of Hell, the clock has run out on Santa’s thousand-year punishment, and he has certainly been keeping track of time.  He’s returned with a vengeance, ready to reap massive amounts of holiday horrors upon the masses.

Even more unfortunate for Nicholas Yuleson, he not only has to battle tasteless gifts from his family and girlfriend, but he also happens to discover (in the nick of time) that his own grandfather (portrayed perfectly by Robert Culp) is none other than the wager-making angel himself, responsible for dooming Santa to his millennium of magnanimity.

If you watch this movie for nothing else, the opening scene is more than enough of a holiday gift to keep you sufficiently enthralled with the rest of the film.  With cameos by James Caan,Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan, and Rebecca Gayheart (none of whom are spared – not even the family dog), Santa’s Slay is sure to quickly become a Christmas tradition.

Dubbed a ‘black comedy’, this movie is rife with holiday-themed slayings, tasteless word play, and the type of cinematic cheese you’ve come to expect from Sunday Morning Sketch Cinema.  Rather than tease you with plot details, I will simply leave you with Santa’s ‘naughty’ list – the official Santa’s Slay body count:

1-6: The Mason Family and their Dog, subjected to numerous fatal injuries.
7: Mrs. Talbot – Elderly Woman, run off the road by Santa.
8: Street Punk, beaten and stabbed with a candy-cane after attempting to rob Santa.
9: Strip Club Valet, eaten by Santa’s “hell-deer”.
10: Strip Club Bouncer #1, beaten, strangled, and gift-wrapped by Santa.
11: Strip Club Bouncer #2, thrown by Santa onto the bartender’s knife.
12-13: Bartender and attendee, crushed under a table by Santa.
14: Truck Driver, electrocuted by a stripper pole Santa kicks into a lamp.
15-20: The Strippers, trapped in a blaze from burning coal.
21-22: Two Children, blown up by explosive presents.
23: Mr. Green, beaten and impaled upon his menorah.
24-28: Chief Caulk and the Officers, tazered, stabbed, impaled, and generally killed by Santa.
29-33: Christmas Carolers, dispatched by a number of various wrestling moves.
34: Grandpa Yuleson, run down by Santa’s “hell-deer”.
35: Pastor Timmons, impaled after being blown out of Santa’s sleigh.

And now, my well-behaved kiddies, for this week’s SMSC quote of the week:

“Don’t use any of that political language shit with me; it’s Christmas! Wish me a merry Christmas!”

“I’m sorry, Merry Christmas Mrs. Talbot!”

“Thank you, and go fuck yourself.”

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With so much going on over the past week, it took until Monday evening for my ADD to finally surrender to watching this week’s SMSC pick – after a long, indecisive struggle to even choose a feature.  I’m coloring outside the lines this morning, as I bring you a sketch newbie that’s just been released to DVD, John Erick Dowdle’s 2008 masterpiece, Quarantine.

Usually, I bring to you the best of the worst in sketchy film.  With snarky regularity, I load up on the cheesefactor when searching out the movies I wish to share with you.  Not this time, dear reader. 

Having been on pins and needles since its theatrical release, falling victim to the incredibly well-selected trailer clips and being left to wonder just what kind of mayhem is going on in Quarantine’s Los Angeles apartment complex, I anxiously awaited the film’s DVD release knowing that this would be one to be seen only in the comfort and security of my own home.  That, and there would be no packed movie theater full of bystanders that might get a chuckle out of me screaming like a 12-year-old girl at various points throughout the experience.

Reminiscent of The Blair Witch Project in terms of the movie’s seemingly true-to-life, documentary-type cinematography, we witness, in real-time, a television reporter and her camera guy, who, while shadowing some L.A. firefighters, end up trapped in the seedy, run-down apartment complex after tagging along for a call.  No one, including the dozen or so residents who meander the lobby, can quite ascertain just what is going on within the building, and why there are military blockades keeping them from leaving.

 Unlike Blair Witch, however, this movie actually delivered on both psychological sketchiness (often imagining what I would do, should I happen to be in the same situation – merely adding to the overall sketch-factor by involving a plot line that could actually happen), and horribly graphic detail that makes the viewer forget that it truly is a work of fiction.

I really don’t want to divulge much of this film to you, as you are better off experiencing this one for yourselves.  The film’s cast of relatively unknown actors beautifully depict the shock, panic and horror one would naturally experience in such a situation, especially Jennifer Carpenter (as Angela, our would-not-be heroine and TV presenter), whose portrayal of hyperventilating mental demise is so true life that you want to take her by the shoulders and slap her, telling her to get a handle on herself.

So keep your children inoculated, your doggies away from strange attic-level apartments, lay down the rat traps – do whatever you need to do, and remember – if your elderly neighbor is foaming at the mouth and delirious, do not try to help her.  Just help yourself.  But in the meantime, I leave you with this week’s Sunday Morning Sketch Cinema quote of the week:

Yuri Ivanov: They won’t let us out.

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This week’s Sunday Morning (OK, Monday morning) Sketch Cinema’s gem is Primeval, the tale of a giant killer crocodile and a group of people attempting to capture it.

Primeval is loosely based on the true story of Gustave, a giant crocodile in Africa that is supposedly responsible for hundreds of deaths. This particular tale opens with a British woman who is investigating an uncovered mass grave and is killed by the croc, but the story ultimately revolves around a group of journalists who are sent to catch the beast, and is a primarily fictionalized account with only a few real facts thrown in now and again. In this story, a disgraced journalist named Tim (Dominic Purcell), his cameraman (Orlando Jones), and an animal reporter looking to make her mark with a “real” story (Brooke Langton). Along the way they pick up a team that includes an animal expert and a guide, and they set out to capture the gigantic crocodile.

Primeval actually isn’t what I’d consider a “bad” movie. It is well acted, shot on location, and the storyline itself isn’t too terrible. I would, however, say it is a “boring” movie. The film just starts out slow, and in its attempts to keep viewers on edge it never really hits the high-tension level one would expect from a horror movie. It does have its moments throughout (the scene when Orlando Jones is pursued by Gustave is well done, and Mr. Jones has some of the best lines in the movie), but overall just never really reaches a level of true fear.

Part of the problem, actually, is that the story is based upon a real monster. Gustave really did (and supposedly still does) live in Africa, and at least 300 deaths have been attributed to him. This is not a documentary, though, so they’re not really trying to follow the tale of the crocodile too closely, but they also don’t want to stray too far. However, to be respectful to the reality behind the subject matter, they also don’t deal a whole lot with the animal itself. It shows up, kills and eats and acts all scary, but they never have any big climactic blowout like in Jaws or any other giant killer animal movie. Because Gustave (in real life) wasn’t killed by a group of journalists, and in fact supposedly is still prowling African waters to this day, they really can’t do much with the story outside of have the crocodile eat people and be big and scary.

To add to the movie, they invent a local warlord who calls himself “Little Gustave”, and who terrorizes the local populace and also acts as another enemy in the film. He and his men, throughout the film, are also trying to kill our intrepid band of heroes. This in a way splits the movie into two separate stories: the leads vs. the croc and then the leads vs. the warlord and his men. The two tracks overlap repeatedly, but since we’re now dealing with lots of different threads nothing ever comes together as a whole.

Again, nothing is really bad about the movie at all. It’s just slow and boring, there’s no attachment to the characters that would make you care when they get killed, and you never get any real big resolution (like Jaws) because they want to protect the integrity of the true facts involved. It’s almost like the makers didn’t know what they wanted the movie to really be. It’s not a documentary, so we don’t have any real education value concerning Gustave. It’s not a horror movie, because they try to stick with as much truth as possible, and the parts with Little Gustave and his army just feel tacked on in an attempt to add to the tension.

So if you want a real Gustave story, go find one of the PBS specials. If you want man vs. animal, stick with a certain great white shark.

Sketch Cinema quote(s) of the week:

Steve (Orlando Jones): “The crocodile is like OJ Simpson. He messed up when he killed that white woman.”

Steve (to an African boy who wants to come to the USA): “If I have to shove you up my ass to get you through customs, I am taking you to America.”

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Nothing makes for a cozier Sunday morning than a nice cup of coffee and Satan himself. This week’s homage to all that is sketchy pays tribute to none other than John Carpenter, as we settle down for a weekend romp in the 1987 sketch cinema treat, Prince of Darkness.

Attempting to ride Donald Pleasance’s success in the Halloween film series, Carpenter makes a half-hearted attempt at his own little version of The Exorcist, as we follow a group of physics majors and other scientific folk as they explore an abandoned church one weekend. Upon the death of a mysterious priest (whom we are never, ever properly introduced to), we follow Pleasance’s character, who is lovingly known only as ‘Priest’ into a hidden basement, where a spinning vat of green ooze suspiciously sits.

Victor Wong, Lisa Blount, and Jameson Parker’s uber-80’s mustache are among the group of science-types who have set up camp at the church in order to determine the nature of said ooze, which the mysteriously now-dead priest had been keeping watch over, seemingly to protect either the ooze, or mankind from the ooze. One is not quite sure.

But what one can be sure of is the uncharacteristic cheese-fest that plays out over the course of an hour and forty two minutes. I had to keep reminding myself that this was, in fact, a John Carpenter film, as the laughs were coming in fast and furious.

As various members of the entourage sneak a closer peak at the ooze, the ooze seems to reach out to each, turning each scientist into a zombie-like, Satan-possessed being hell-bent on random acts of violence. And a passion for insects. They never quite explain the insects.

Those unaffected thus far by the satanic snot find themselves plagued with strange dreams which seem to bring messages from the future. How far into the future? Who knows! What is the message? Do not expect to find out for certain.

Throughout the ordeal, one man retains his level, scientific head about the matter, and that is our friend Walter, portrayed by Dennis Dun. Walter is a scientist, unaffected by all of the religious, end-of-the-world propaganda being spread, and manages to stave off impending doom with his crafty, scientific wit.

Prince of Darkness is a must-see moment of embarrassment on the part of John Carpenter. Watching this film provided me the feeling that I had somehow become privy to inside, drunken movie-making moments that were never meant to be seen by public eye.

And now, I leave you with this week’s Sunday Morning Sketch Cinema quote(s) of the week:

Frank Wyndham (as the group decides to venture back into the church): “Come on! You can’t be serious! This is a joke! This is caca!!”

Computer (deciphering ancient text): “You will not be saved by the god plutonium.”

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 This week’s sketch fest is, perhaps, the perfect example of the delicate balance needed to create, what I feel to be, the sketchiest of sketch cinema. So come, laugh with me, cry with me, get nauseous with me, as we sit down to a heaping helping of sketch, Jackie Kong’s 1987 masterpiece, Blood Diner.

A killer is on the loose in anytown, USA, and the latest victims happened to be the local Happy Times All-Girl Glee Club. As young tykes Mikey and Georgie amuse themselves while mom runs to the store for “God-damned tampons”, the front door is suddenly smashed in much to the robot-like, unimpressed children.

Enter Uncle Anwar, covered in blood and wielding a meat cleaver, who is instantly subdued at the sight of his nephews. Knowing he is running out of time (as the sounds of sirens grows closer), he presents the boys with two necklaces which he claims to be ancient ‘Lumarian’ relics, dating back – get this now – 5 million years B.C.

That’s pretty old. At this point, I knew I was in for a cinematic extravaganza.

After the uncle’s predictable demise, we fast forward twenty years.

Our little boys are all grown up now, and long for the company of old Uncle Anwar so badly that they dig him up in his grave, crack open his skull, catch his brain (which was launched from the skull fifteen feet into the air), pickle it, and place a spell on it. This is, of course, after bashing the eyes out of the timid graveyard security guard.

The boys take the skull, which is now alive, has eyes (that’s right – a brain with eyes attached), and has a completely different voice than the previous Uncle Anwar (I suppose twenty years underground will do that to a man), back to their vegetarian diner.

I could go on and on with this in great detail, but I can’t, and I won’t. I cannot spoil the goodness involved in this journey of sketchy wonder. But I can, however, offer a few non-plot-related tidbits that are crawling in sketchy perfection.

Nude Cheerleader Aerobics. I’m not kidding – there is a scene, as random as it may be, where a bunch of cheerleaders are doing aerobics with only bikini bottoms on. See, the only connection to the plot line here is that one girl, Connie, does not attend this little exercise session (which is being taped ‘on cable coast to coast’), making her the target ‘pure’ girl.

Random bouncing of the bouncer. The boys are outside of a club, trying to force their way in, when a bouncer tries to stop them. Mikey tosses the bouncer into the street – right into the path of an oncoming car which is bouncing with hydraulics. Long story short, what should be a horrible scene to witness provides laughs for all passers-by.

Running Down the Biker. Georgie is out for a drive in his van, when he happens upon an old, fat biker dude who is in the street after breaking down. Excitedly (and to some mambo song), he plows the van into the biker and takes off. But the biker isn’t dead. Georgie sees this, and proceeds to reverse and hit him again. This process is repeated about a dozen times, as the biker keeps on getting up. Later we find out the biker actually dies from a heart attack.

There’s a wrestling match. An honest-to-goodness wrestling match. Enough said.

Through it all, our townspeople are feasting on the diner’s new menu…which contains the bits of many of the town’s ‘tramps, sluts and whores’.

So with that, I urge you to feast on this Sunday sketch-o-rama and take in the cheesy, oven-baked goodness of Blood Diner. The gratuitous nudity, blood, and lack of seriousness to the acting will have you begging for seconds.

And now, for this week’s Sunday Morning Sketch Cinema quote of the week:

Brain of Uncle Anwar: “The first ingredients we need are two stomachs from a couple of tramps.”

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So, for my inaugural contribution to SMSC, I have chosen a comedy (of sorts) by the name of Hamlet 2.

Released in August of 2008, Hamlet 2 tells the tale of Dana Marschz (played by Steve Coogan). He is an effeminate, clueless, naive high school drama teacher who remakes popular movies into plays with disastrous results. After finding out the the drama department is being dropped due to budget cuts, he decides to go out with a bang and produce one last show. This show is a sequel to one of Shakespeare’s best known plays, and appropriately dubbed Hamlet 2.

With a group of students ranging from a young man confused about his sexual identity, a good girl secretly wanting to be bad, and a gang of Latino ruffians who took the course just for the easy credit, Mr. Marschz sets about putting his vision onto the stage. In the process he pisses off more and more people as they object to the content of the play, but continues to push forward despite it all to see his vision realized.

Hamlet 2 starts off pretty slow, and while there are pockets of amusement it’s a mixed bag for much of the film. Coogan’s portrayal of the bizarre teacher is funny at first, but the cluelessness and whininess starts to grate about halfway in. The movie hits a lot of the typical “underdog fighting back against those who wronged him by following his dream” notes, and wavers between low-brow comedy and trying to be a bit heartwarming. It plays a bit with racial stereotypes, pokes fun at other “teacher trying to reform the tough kids” movies, plays a bit into the teacher’s messed up personal life, and tries to jump all over the place as it builds up to the unveiling of the play. There are laughs throughout, or at least chuckles, but it never tries to rise above the mediocre level of comedy it hits early on and holds at. With the exception of the teacher and a few students, most characters are just archetypes that aren’t really fleshed out (surly principal, brain-dead roommate, bitchy wife, etc), and it’s obvious early on that your focus is meant to be on Coogan’s character and his small cadre of students.

That is, until towards the end, when the play Hamlet 2 finally hits the stage. While there is a lot going on (an attorney defending the play’s legal right to be shown, townspeople picketing outside), the movie does show a lot of the musical. Featuring such soon-to-be-classic number like “Raped in the Face” (sung by an actor portraying Albert Einstein) and “Rock Me Sexy Jesus”, when you’re watching the play-within-the-movie it all comes together and makes the last hour or so worth the wait. As Jesus and Hamlet go on adventures with their time machine, not only is the play hilarious but the reactions of the audience are funny as well (like a parent who is horrified, but also states that he can’t look away).

Is it worth seeing? Probably, as long as you’re easily amused and aren’t looking for high art. There’s enough funny to keep it moving along, and the play itself (what they show of it) is amazing and entertaining and nonsensical wrong in so many ways. It’s not the greatest comedy in the world, but it’s hardly the worst. It’s a lot like the main character: a bit of lost, but with lofty dreams, and it all comes together in the end.

Hamlet 2‘s sketch cinema quote?

Mr. Marschz (as Jesus in the play Hamlet 2): When my father finds out what I’ve been doing, he’s going to crucify me.

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