Inside My Head – Angie’s Sunday Morning Sketch Cinema: The Children (1980)

Angie’s Sunday Morning Sketch Cinema: The Children (1980)

children It’s been far too long since I’ve delved into the land of the Sketch, and for that, I sincerely apologize. I’ve taken this weekend to regroup, in a way, and have immersed myself deeply into a Sketch Cinema-riffic weekend. So for this week, my return to SMSC, I bring you Max Kalmanowicz’s 1980 sketch beauty, The Children.

Successfully redefining the concept of the nuclear family, this low-budget bit of brilliance tells the tale of a surprisingly stealth, yet ultimately dooming leak at a local nuclear facility in a small, rural New England town. Aside from the apparent (and remarkably localized) effect of the toxic cloud on a busload of school children in town, the townspeople are completely unaware of the accident altogether.

Five children, along with everyone’s favorite bus driver, Fred (to whom the children lovingly sing tributes to pass the time) disappear completely after their bus passes through a strange toxic cloud, leaving the bus still running, yet abandoned, on the side of the road. The toxic cloud seemingly has no effect on middle-aged women, however, as local mother Cathy Freemont speeds pass the bus, waving, and past the deadly mist unharmed.

As the town’s only two police officers discover the bus and missing children, the town is put on alert, unsure of what exactly transpired. There is no mention of thechildren6 any incident at the nuclear facility, and, in fact, no one in town seems to even be aware that such a facility even exists as there is simply no mention of it. Strange.

We slowly learn that the toxic cloud has turned the children into zombie-like, touchy-feely radioactive freaks, who begin to seek out their families and neighbors for a flesh-melting hug. I must admit, the concept of the various moments of relief which are experienced by certain townsfolk, upon finding ‘the children’, leading nicely to certain death does play out quite cleverly. Who wouldn’t rush to embrace a child that’s been inexplicably missing all day?

John Freemont, that’s who. Freemont seems to be the only person capable of connecting the dots, as he is quick to realize that the deaths of the locals must have something directly to do with the children. This flash of genius, though, only comes after having overheard the town drunk – I mean, dispatcher – rush to meet the children only to be lost in a sea of wild, helpless screaming. Genius, I tell you.

There are certain lessons to be gained from this cinematic cheesefest – lessons that just may keep you alive in the event that a toxic cloud hijack a school bus in your town:

Zombie toxi-children cannot be killed by gunfire. Preferring much more intimate forms of battle, one must employ the use of a meat cleaver to destroy said opponent.

You can touch les enfants de zombie, but you mustn’t hug or otherwise embrace. Shoulder-grabbing and face-stroking are apparently safe actions to engage in.
One can easily identify a zombie toxi-child by his or her sudden black fingernails. This is a tell-tale sign, so all pre-teens sporting such should be regarded as highly dangerous, radioactive killers.

Other lessons, courtesy of http://www.badmovies.org/movies/thechildren:

Nuclear power plant’s safety and maintenance crews are comprised of rednecks; two of them.
Finding an empty school bus, apparently abandoned in a hurry, will not worry a police officer.
Being a good parent involves codeine.
There are times when hugging your kid is the wrong thing to do.
Shooting a broiled dog is just as effective, if not more so, than beating a dead horse.
Playing tag with a mutant is a game of life and death.
Kids come apart easier than boiled chicken.

So now, kiddies, I leave you with this week’s Sunday Morning Sketch Cinema quote of the week:

Billy: “Bullets have no effect on them. John, we’ve got to cut off their hands! That’s where they’re vulnerable!

Rating: 9.0/10 (1 vote cast)

Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)

Share and Enjoy: